Free Food
by Krystal Anime
Summary: Just a cute Moonbay and Irvine oneshot. Irvine and Moonbay don't get paid on time for their mercenary work, ... so what are they going to do for dinner tonight?


Disclaimer: I don't own Zoids Chaotic Century or any of its characters. But I do own the other characters that I made up in this fanfic (Tom and Mary) but you can steal them ... I don't mind.   
  
Free Food   
  
Author's note: This is a just a one-shot, humor, fluff-romantic fic I made up one night. Moonbay and Irvine are a little OOC in this fic, but that's where it gets its humor genre. Hope you like it!   
  


~~~~

  
  
It was another late night when Irvine and Moonbay returned back to the little city they were staying at. The pair had found some mercenary work there, and since the cost of living had been steadily increasing after the war against Hiltz and the Deathsaur, the two mercenaries found that their pockets emptied quicker these days.   
  
Moonbay was driving the Gustav home, towing Irvine's zoid plus three other, inactive ones.   
  
Moonbay sighed.   
  
Moonbay: "Who ever thought that three sleeper Rev Raptors would be such a hassle to catch?"   
  
Irvine: "I can't believe that old man wants them that badly to offer such a high reward."   
  
Moonbay: "Well I can see why he did ... man! I wanna meet the genius who designed those sleepers's AI!"   
  
They pulled up to a large warehouse and Moonbay lifted the hatch to her Gustav as a guard approached.   
  
guard: "Oh, I see, you've brought the sleeper zoids. He's been expecting these."   
  
Moonbay: "Well tell him this job's gonna cost him extra! We had to spend all day trying to catch these buggers!"   
  
The warehouse's gigantic doors opened wide to let the Gustav and cargo in.   
  
There at the entrance stood _him_...   
  
Dr. D: "Well it's about time! Do you know it's already past 11?"   
  
The two mercenaries groaned.   
  
The mad scientist went over to examine the cargo. After much humming and hawing, he finally turned to the weary hunters.   
  
Dr. D: "These Rev Raptors are in terrible shape!"   
  
Irvine: "Hey you didn't say what shape we should bring them in! Just give us the reward and we'll be on our way!"   
  
Moonbay: "Not so fast! I want extra for the hassle!"   
  
Dr. D: (holding his chin and trying to recall) "Oh that's right, I did offer reward money for this didn't I?"   
  
Moonbay and Irvine: "Grrrr!!..."   
  
Dr. D: "Well ... I don't have it right now."   
  
Moonbay and Irvine: O.O   
  
Dr. D: "But I will have it in the morning!"   
  
Moonbay and Irvine: "............ You're DEAD!!!!"   
  
They both lunge at him, really to choke him to death for all the torture and hell the mad scientist had put them through all these years.   
  
But suddenly ten guards came to his defense and blocked the angry mercenaries from their sweet revenge.   
  
Dr. D: (doing a funny pose) "Oh it sure _pays_ to have lots of money, doesn't it?! Ha ha ha!"   
  
Moonbay and Irvine: "GRRRRR!!!"   
  
Dr. D: "Now come on now, you'll see your money in the morning! You don't need it right away do you?"   
  
Suddenly both Moonbay and Irvine's stomach growled loudly.   
  
Dr. D: "Oh well, ... I guess it's always good to watch your figure!"   
  
With that he snapped his fingers and the guards took them away.   
  
Moonbay: "THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'LL HAVE A RAIL GUN WAITING!!"   
  
Irvine: "I DON'T NEED TO WAIT TIL NEXT TIME ... I'M GETTING IN MY LIGHTNING SAIX RIGHT NOW!"   
  
Dr. D: "Bye bye!"   
  
The guards let them go and the two were about to load up some ammo when Dr. D pressed a button and made one of his inventions pop up from the ground and aim a mean looking barrel at them.   
  
Moonbay and Irvine hugged each other in fear (Team Rocket style): "Wha-what the hell is **that?!**"   
  
Dr. D: "I call this baby my ultra-mini-but-super-evil-gravity-cannon cannon! ...Bwahahahahah!"   
  
Moonbay: "**Ahhhh!!**"   
  
They get in the Gustav and take off.   
  
Dr. D: "_Wait!_ ... Oh well ... I guess this means you don't want your money do you? ... Heheheh!"   
  
  
  


~~~~

  
  
  
  
Moonbay: "This is just **great!** I knew this would happen! I told you not to trust him, didn't I?"   
  
Irvine: "Oh so now it's _my_ fault for not getting paid right away?"   
  
Moonbay's stomach growled.   
  
Moonbay: "Yes it is! And now you're going to buy dinner for us!"   
  
Irvine: "With what? ... Pocket lint?"   
  
Moonbay: "No." (points to Lightning Saix that the Gustav is hauling) "With **that!**"   
  
Irvine: o.O "Get a hold of yourself; you're not actually thinking of ..."   
  
Moonbay: (going crazy with hunger) "Heheheh!"   
  
Irvine realized they were driving towards a pawn shop.   
  
Irvine: "NOOOO!!! How about we sell your crappy Gustav instead?"   
  
Moonbay: O.O "**Excuse me?!**"   
  
Irvine: "You heard me, what good is it for any way?"   
  
Moonbay: "It's good enough for hauling your @$$ all the way from here to the Wind Colony! Get out of my Gustav!"   
  
Irvine: "With pleasure!"   
  
They stopped the zoid and Moonbay popped the hatch.   
  
Moonbay: "Alright, this is where you get off-"   
  
She stopped as she realized Irvine had a dazed expression on his face and he was staring at her.   
  
Moonbay: "Wh-what are you staring at?"   
  
But as she got a closer look at his face she realized he was staring past her and she turned her head to see what he was looking at.   
  
Then her own eyes widened at the beautiful sight before them; an all-you-can-eat buffet!   
  
Irvine: (in a dreamy voice) "Moonbay, look at what that sign says down there ..."   
  
Moonbay looked at the advertisement in the restaurant's window and read it: "tonight only, eat ... **free** ..."   
  
Irvine: "That has to be the most sexiest word on the entire planet Zi ..."   
  
  
  


~~~~

  
  
  
  
The restaurant's guests were busy enjoying a lovely meal when suddenly two, loud-mouth, dirty-clothed mercenaries burst into the building shouting "**Yippee!**"   
  
Irvine came up to a cleanly-dressed waiter who had the misfortune of being the closest one to him.   
  
Irvine: "I'll have three servings of everything!"   
  
Moonbay: "Can we get a doggy-bag?"   
  
waiter: "Uh, I assume you're here for the free buffet?"   
  
Moonbay: "Oh of course, absolutely!"   
  
Irvine: "We're always attracted to things that are free!"   
  
waiter: "Well I'm sorry, but you should have read the small print."   
  
Moonbay and Irvine: XD "Small print?!"   
  
waiter: "Yes, the buffet is free for couples only, and to make sure that you're real a couple one of the waitresses asks you questions about each other."   
  
Moonbay: "Hold on for one moment!"   
  
She grabs Irvine by the arm and drags him outside again.   
  
Irvine: "Moonbay! Why'd you do that? I was all ready to hold them up with my gun and make them give us the food!"   
  
Moonbay: "I've got a better idea! Why don't we just play along with their little game and make up some false information to give to them? I mean, how hard a question can they ask? So, let's pretend my name is Sandy Box and you can be-"   
  
Irvine: "I think I liked my thought of holding up the place better!"   
  
Moonbay: "Irvine! We can't be outlawed from _every_ town!"   
  
Irvine: (sighes)   
  
They go back in.   
  
Moonbay: "Sorry to keep you waiting, but I had to talk to this idi-I mean ... my _boyfriend_ in private for a moment!"   
  
waiter: "Ok ..."   
  
Irvine: (sighes and sweatdrops)   
  
Moonbay: "So we're ready for the free food now!"   
  
waiter: "But first you must answer the questions."   
  
Moonbay: "Oh, yeah, that's what I meant."   
  
Suddenly a ditsy-blonde waitress came over with some question cards.   
  
blonde-ditz: (suddenly holds her nose with her long, fake red fingernails) "Oh my Gawd, they like, _smell funny_!"   
  
Moonbay: (growls) "You'd smell funny too if you spent all day chasing Rev Raptors in the hot desert sun!"   
  
waiter: (trying to keep the peace) "Now, now, just read the questions and get this over with!"   
  
Irvine: "I agree, wholeheartedly."   
  
blonde-ditz: "Eww, would you like a mint, sir?"   
  
Irvine: (growls)   
  
waiter: "Mary, please!"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Ok! Ok! ... Ok. Question one is ... what are your pet names for each other?"   
  
Moonbay: (with a big, fake smile) "Poopykins!"   
  
Irvine: (groaning, and not feeling imaginative) "Honey."   
  
blonde-ditz: "Ok. Ok ... Question two is ... where did you first meet? And you have to write the answer down on paper without looking at each other." (hands them two pieces of paper)   
  
Moonbay and Irvine sweatdrop but take the paper and begin to write something down.   
  
They hand the answers back to the waitress.   
  
blonde-ditz: (looks at Irvine's answer first) "Ok, looks like you met ... in a van?"   
  
Irvine: "No! _Van_'s the name of the person who brought us together!"   
  
Moonbay: (smirks) "Irvine! ... you're really starting to get into this aren't you?"   
  
Irvine: "I'm really starting to get hungry!"   
  
blonde-ditz: (looks at Moonbay's answer) "Hey! But you said it was during a battle with some ... slippers?"   
  
Moonbay: "**Sleepers!**"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Well either way, it's not the same as his answer so it proves you're a fake!"   
  
Moonbay: (in her best negotiating voice) "No, you got it all wrong, you see ... it was during a battle with sleepers that our best friend, Van, brought us together on the battle field!"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Oh, I see, ... so it was kinda like, ..._romantic_, right?"   
  
Moonbay: "Extremely..." (elbows Irvine)   
  
Irvine: "... Yeah."   
  
waiter: (sighes)   
  
blonde-ditz: "Ok. Ok. Ok ... Question three is ... Ok. Ok."   
  
Irvine and Moonbay wanted to slap her, but the other waiter beat them to it...   
  
blonde-ditz: "Ow! Tom, why did you do that?"   
  
waiter: (draws his hand back quickly as he realized what he'd just done) "I'm sorry, I was just acting on impulse."   
  
blonde-ditz: "**Grr** ... Anyway ... Question three is ... what are your middle names? This is the last one, and again you have to write them down on separate pieces of paper."   
  
Moonbay and Irvine gulped, but once again took the pieces of paper.   
  
Moonbay carefully wrote the most general name as possible that she could think up.   
  
She didn't realize she was taking so long when the waitress spoke up:   
  
blonde-ditz: "Uh, are you like _done_ yet?"   
  
Irvine: "Here's mine."   
  
Finally Moonbay handed her piece of paper in too. She watched it go into the other girl's hands, slipping away, just like her own chance at finding a meal tonight.   
  
blonde-ditz: "Ok,"   
  
waiter: "Mary, please! _That word?!_"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Sorry, I can't help it, it makes up most of my vocabulary!"   
  
waiter: (sighes) "Fine, just ask them the last question."   
  
blonde-ditz: "So you tell me what your middle name is first." (turns to Moonbay)   
  
Moonbay: "......Sarah."   
  
blonde-ditz: (squints at what Irvine wrote on his paper) "Oh my Gawd, I can't even read it!"   
  
waiter: "It's ok, Mary, at least we didn't hire you for your reading skills." (takes paper from her and looks at it)   
  
waiter: (sweatdrops and looks at Irvine) "This just looks like a bunch of scribbles!"   
  
Irvine: "I can't help it if I have bad handwritting ... but it does say Sierra, anyway."   
  
Moonbay: "**Sarah!** He said _Sarah!_"   
  
waiter: (sweatdrops)   
  
blonde-ditz: "Well at least I can read her's. Ok, so what is your middle name?" (looks at Irvine)   
  
Irvine: (states simply) "It's Zeke."   
  
Moonbay: o.O "**Zeke?!**"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Well it says on her answer that it's _John_, so **ha**! That means you're not a couple!"   
  
Moonbay: (stands up and grabs Irvine by his shirt) "Why did you have to choose something stupid like **Zeke**?! Why couldn't you have picked a more _normal_ middle name like **John?!**"   
  
Irvine: "Well I'm sorry _'honey'_! I didn't know that it had to be the most _'normal'_ middle name!"   
  
Moonbay: "This is just great! Now we have no dinner and it's all your fault!"   
  
Irvine: "Oh, so it's _my_ fault for not being able to read your mind?"   
  
Moonbay: "Yeah! And you're sleeping _outside_ of the Gustav tonight!"   
  
Irvine: "Oh, I think the Lightning Saix will be even more welcoming!"   
  
Moonbay: "Forget it! I'm selling it for cash!"   
  
waiter: (watches them) "**Oh my God!** Mary get them a table!"   
  
blonde-ditz: "**What?!** But why?"   
  
waiter: "They're not just a couple ... they're freakin' **married!**"   
  
Irvine and Moonbay: O.O "**WHAT?!!**"   
  
  
  


~~~~

  
  
  
  
Two main courses and eight appetizers later ...   
  
Moonbay: "I'm so full ..."   
  
Irvine: "Yeah ..."   
  
Moonbay: "This was actually kind of fun, we should do this again sometime."   
  
Irvine: "......................... no."   
  
Moonbay: "Oh come on, Irvine, it's not like we'd _actually_ ever be a couple!"   
  
Irvine: "Only when Hell freezes over."   
  
Moonbay: "Exactly!"   
  
She finishes her drink and begins to stand up.   
  
Moonbay: "Have you stuffed enough of those pancakes into your pockets?"   
  
Irvine: "Yup. I even fit some of those French bread things in my shirt."   
  
Moonbay: "It's really too bad that they wouldn't give us doggy-bags, oh well..."   
  
She shifted some of the food items in her own pockets to make room for some more jelly packets that she was swiping from the adjacent table.   
  
Moonbay: "I'd say we're stocked up for the week!" (she said as they headed for the door)   
  
Irvine: "That's good, but hopefully we'll be able to buy some more food once Dr. D pays us."   
  
Moonbay waved goodbye to the waiter and ditzy waitress. Irvine didn't because he was too busy crossing his arms to keep the bread sticks from falling out of his shirt.   
  
Once they were gone, the waiter closed the door and ripped off the advertisement for "eat free".   
  
waiter: "Tell the manager that we're _never_ doing this again!"   
  
blonde-ditz: "Really?"   
  
  
  


~~~~

  
  
  
  
Irvine and Moonbay got back into the Gustav.   
  
Moonbay: "We got really lucky tonight! Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky again tomorrow and Dr. D will pay us like he promised!"   
  
Irvine: (looks over at her) "I think that has as much possibility as us getting married!"   
  
Moonbay: (smiles and winks at him) "Should we stop by the church on the way back?"   
  
Irvine: (smirks) "Only if Dr. D's there with the money!"   
  
They both laughed and drove off.   
  
Little did they know that Dr. D's super-spy-camera was watching them and listening to them.   
  
Dr D: (from his secret hideout) "Hehehe ... married, huh?"   
  
He suddenly makes a phone call.   
  
Back at the restaurant, the telephone rings. The waiter answers it.   
  
waiter: "Hello?"   
  
Dr. D: "Hello, Tom! I trust you did what I asked you to?"   
  
waiter: "Uh, yes ... Um, what exactly was that stuff that you had me put in their food?"   
  
Dr. D: "Oh, that?" (smirks) "That was _love potion!_"   
  
waiter: o.O "... Why?"   
  
Dr. D: "Heheheh! Well, those two are always causing me more debt to them everytime they do a job for me, so I figured I'd give them a little something to keep them off my back for a while ..."   
  
waiter: "Oh ... I see."   
  
Dr. D: (laughs maniacally)   
  
  
  


~~~~

  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, about a mile away...   
  
The doors of a church swung open as a man with a woman in his arms stepped out, laughing intoxicatedly.   
  
Irvine: (with a goofy grin on his face) "Who cares about money when I have you, **honey-buns?!**"   
  
Moonbay: (even goofier grin and laughing) "Same here, **pookey-bear!** Let's go home and call _all_ our friends to tell them we got _married!_"   
  
Irvine: "I bet Van and Fiona will **love** to hear that! Hey! Let's call McMann, too!"   
  
Moonbay: (winks) "Ok, sugar!"   
  
The merry couple walked off into the desert together.   
  
  
  
The End   
  
  
  
Author's Note: :P Sorry for that! I wrote this fanfic at 12 am and it continued to get progressively stupider as the night wore on. Well, hope it made you laugh at least! ^_^|   
  
  



End file.
